Blame It On My Name

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Babystages

I’m trying to decide on a name for the baby, now that I’m in the 8th month of my pregnancy. It helps that my choice is narrowed down to boys’ names. That’s one benefit of having gender ultrasound, right?

So far I have trimmed the list to three sets of possible combinations, since I want the baby to have two given names. I feel pretty good about my choices. The names have a nice ring to them when spoken out loud, and when written on the page, they look good. Not too common, but not so wacky as to invite a beating in the sandbox. Not too hard to spell also, except maybe if you’re dyslexic. They say a child will eventually grow into his or her given name, but you tell me, what will Apple Martin (Gwyneth’s daughter) grow into? Imagine the playground teasing combinations possible with that one—Apple Pie, Rotten Apple, Adam’s Apple oh, spare me. The only good thing going for Apple is that she is the offspring of celebrities, maybe the novelty will work to her advantage. Maybe we should just be thankful she wasn’t named Yellow.

It’s hard to live up to a name that already sits lopsidedly on the tongue. How would you like to go through life as Tegwin or Toolio? Or if you’re a girl, try Egwene, Toka, Breedee, Tylee, or the reptile-reminiscent Allikaylor. If you conceived under the influence of alcohol, why not name the kid Devodka? Or Delta Eta, after your frat, or maybe go for an automotive motif, with Impala Sedan. Would you believe, these are actual names people give their kids!

Nicknames are not hard to screw up either, as in the case of this lady burdened by a nickname that has a whole awful backlog of history to drag it down. From Shanaaz, she was given the shortened name, Nazi. She unthinkingly put it on her license plate and caused quite a furor in the Jewish community.

Awful, awful names, but not half as bad, perhaps as Ms. Chew’s full name. Mind you, this is an actual person.

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