Oh boy oh boy, I got two reviews for “Out To Sea.” It does pay to go out on a limb once in a while. And they were such prompt responses too! I’m delighted that they found the time to really read the poem and had very constructive, encouraging things to say about it. Here are the rips:
Melissa, I like the imagery, the metaphoric language, the guessing game and subtlety, the subject matter (giving in to love despite its ability to wound –tama ba?). I find this too prosy, though. Dunno what else to say. I guess it needs a little winnowing of some words. I didn’t get the “surreptitious sea,” for one.
I agree with resty, it is a bit too prosy. But the breadth of the poem is consistent with it being prosy. The words are luminous indeed and harmonious in terms of phrasing and musicality. Organic unity was consistently observed. The appearance of the line cutting on the page is to be appreciated. It depicts the shoreline with the waves pursuing the sand only to retreat. I wonder if you did this on purpose?
However, i feel that there should be a punctuation mark at the end of the line “Dashed against the rusting shipwreck”. A period or a semi-colon or an em dash maybe, since you have used punctuations right at the start. Either that or leave a space then enter the last two lines.
This encourages me to write some more, and explore other themes as well. Thanks, Resty and Sappho.
The offshoot of this also, is that I have finally cleaned up my poem site, and words are a-buzzing there. Do drop by and feel free to critique.