Hit vs. Miss

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She’s not a girl who misses much.
Happiness Is A Warm Gun, The Beatles


Sometimes though, I would like to be
the girl who misses much. Ignorance is bliss, what you don’t know won’t hurt you, see the world through rose-colored glasses, all that. Most of my life I think I have been too aware—self-aware as opposed to self-conscious—able to see through disguises, cursed with clarity of thought.

Call it intuition, instinct, perhaps even insight, it has brought me no end of trouble. Because I am apt to see through a ruse, a lie, and most other kinds of falsehood, I have a propensity to call things as they are. More often than not, my bluntness gets me into heated arguments. I try to temper my views with a little graciousness, but the truth is often painful. When people are hurt, they tend to lash out. And there you go.

Other times, it’s the certainty of knowing that becomes frightening. I would know the end of things even before they are ready to happen.

I saw it in a letter where he wrote, “she had such small feet.” I heard it in the timbre of his voice when he said “I’ll take care of it.” I felt it in the leaden weight of his hand across my back, even as I turned my head away to avoid seeing it in his eyes. I felt the kick of it across a small city park in broad daylight, even as her eyes glazed over in denial. I understood the unraveling even before the mirror was smashed, even before I met violence full-on from the hand of a man, a bruise blossoming on the side of my mouth. I knew it in my aching desire to call home late in the night, not knowing the news of a death that was to come in the morning.

They are right, whoever they are who said that truth is resonant. The truth, it ripples out towards me and there’s no avoiding its course. Even here, so far away from my usual haunts, I can still see, my vision cutting through the wires, moving through the miles, seeing with a clarity that pains me.

What I’d give sometimes, to be the girl who misses much.

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6 thoughts on “Hit vs. Miss

    isko said:
    September 14, 2006 at 1:59 am

    wow.

    the bee responded:
    September 14, 2006 at 12:59 pm

    Hey Isko. wow huh. Clarity is a curse sometimes, is all.

    isko said:
    September 15, 2006 at 4:05 am

    I should have explained further. Wow in several levels. Excellent piece, pierces through the heart man, nice composition over-all. And yes, clarity can be a curse but on the other end of the spectrum – ignorance is bliss. You’ve got the better end my dear, be thankful. I wouldn’t have it any other way, especially for my Meli.

    lee said:
    September 15, 2006 at 6:19 am

    hallo…

    clarity is a curse. when i read this, i spent three seconds of introspection, of moving back, of thought and things became clear. shit i’m cursed! no not really, i’m still blessed with ignorance, i still cannot see things ahead, i still have the safety of not knowing much.
    dyeing your hair blond maybe the cure. hehe
    say mo isko?

    thebee responded:
    September 15, 2006 at 9:04 am

    Leesan and Isko, you two are my most loyal readers. I really should buy you guys beer or tequila, then we can have a proper chat-fest hehe. Hinubog hehe.

    But clarity, well it’s a cruel mirror. And yes Lee, I am starting to think that going blond would be a good idea. 🙂

    lee said:
    September 16, 2006 at 5:19 am

    bandeaux,

    made a blog entry about this blog entry and linked your blog in my blog. (Repeat the word blog in a sentence)

    Lee

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